Thank you fate. : D
Manic Depression
Some days I just want to cry, scream and rip off all my hair. Why aren’t these pills working? I shouldn’t be this unnerved, why am I feeling this way? Why?
These days have been a rollercoaster. Whenever I was with people I felt the most awesome person ever, but whenever I was alone I begun feeling anxious – for no apparent reason –, lonely and absurdly angry with myself. At this point I feel like I’m becoming bipolar, one day I say yes, the next I say no.
And yes, I’ve always been an uncertain person, but when I feel that this is not normal, then there’s something wrong.
I have a session with my psychiatrist next week, I wonder if I should call her today or just wait for the session…
I feel so lost.
Going to take a shower,
~Vanny
What About Fortunetellers?
My mom and my sister have this adoration-thingy about fortunetellers and that sort of thing. Is not that I don’t believe in it – yes, I do find hard to believe most of the time -, is more that I don’t really mind much about it. I’m more of an ‘I make my own future’ kind of person.
But, uhm… well, apparently my mom recently spoke with a fortuneteller, which according to her “has never failed to guess right”, and the said soothsayer has told her that I will find a guy and date him next year.
…What the hell?! Really?
I cannot help but laugh about it. Not that I think that this is the most absurd thing in the world, but, well… I hope that is true. What really make me snicker are the options that I have right now.
The ones I can think of, first there’s Mr. Naru, who probably doesn’t know that I’m still alive and most likely doesn’t even care if I am, – that damn fag – I never really saw him again.
Could also be a new mysterious guy that I haven’t met yet. Hm, who knows… I just kindly ask fate that, if that is the case, that the said man is well gifted. And yeah, you know how I meant that.
What brings me to the last resort – that was deliberately placed at the end – Mr. Target. All I have to say about him is: ‘Really? …Him?’
Hm… Go figure.
But it never fails to delight me when I think about it. I wonder why… no, I really don’t.
Not depressive for a change,
~Vanny
Breaking Point.
I restrain myself so much that sometimes I fear that I’m going to implode. I can picture myself going rampage and breaking all that’s in front of me. I really don’t know if restraining is really something someone sane would do. I’m not sane. I’ve never been.
I cannot act anymore, I cannot act that I have a way out of this anymore.
But I’m too insignificant to die.
And all that’s going on my mind is: ‘AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!’
I’m at my breaking point.
…,
~Vanny
Runs in the family.
Outside: …
Inside: AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG!
breaks down
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
breaks more
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
cannot cry, cannot feel
“All day I’ve been wondering what is inside of me who can I blame for it?
I say it runs in the family, this famine that carries me to such great lengths, to open my legs up to anyone who’ll have me.
It runs in the family I come by it honestly do what you want ’cause who knows it might fill me up.
Me? Well I’m well. Well I mean I’m in hell.
Well, I still have my health. At least that’s what they tell me.
If wellness is this what in hells name is sickness?
But business is business, and business runs in the family.
Running is something that we’ve always done well and mostly I can’t even tell what I’m running from.
I run from their pity, from responsibility, run from the country, and run from the city. I can run from the law, I can run from myself, I can run for my life, I can run into debt, I can run from it all, I can run ’til I’m gone, I can run for the office, and run from the cause, I can run using every last ounce of energy.
I cannot, I cannot, I cannot run from my family, they’re hiding inside of me.
Come in if you like but just don’t tell my family, they’d never forgive me, they’d say that I’m crazy, but they would say anything if it would shut me up. Shut me up.”
Excerpts from ‘Runs in the family’ by Amanda Palmer.
Heartbreak
I have no hope.
And I hate you hope. I really do hate you. Even when I know that I’m right, and that I have no hope, you make my heart ache with the fleeting idea that I might be wrong.
Shut the hell up! You know that I’m right, every aspect and step points towards this direction.
Listen, you damn hope, that’s the last time that I’m telling you this:
I have no hope.
With love,
~Vanny
Everything will be alright.
Done. Wasted.
Will I ever grow up? Huh?
I’m really done with myself, as have everybody else.
Please don’t call me again. Please forget me.
I know you will… and everything will be alright.
With love,
~Vanny
Ps: All I really meant to say was: ‘please love me, please notice me, please talk to me’, but I have no hope at all. When will I resign?
Smile Like You Mean It.
I’m living quite like a vampire these days. I haven’t seen the sun for days! And maybe that’s an explanation to why I’ve been so gloomy.
I sat thinking of all the wasted time… all the wasted music that I’ve never listened to.
What am I doing? I’m just wasting more and more time.
I’ve got to get out of here, at once.
…
How long will it take for me to die from starvation?
Looking at all those anorexic models, it will take a long, loooong time.
With love,
~Vanny
Nostalgia.
And to think that I wrote some of these things about two years ago.
Sometimes the less you write, better.
[These are some posts on a very old blog.]
March 4th, 2008
.it just seems like everybody can be better than me,
.maybe i just need to hang out more.
“to understand this crazy world,
but you’re not gonna crack
no you’re never gonna crack
[...]
too late for solutions to solve in the setting sun
so run my baby run my baby run
life can be so cruel
don’t it astound you?
so when nothing seems too certain or safe
let it burn through you
you can keep it pure on the inside
and you know what you believe to be right
so you’re not gonna crack
no you’re never gonna crack
[...]
find out who you are before you regret it
because life is so short, there’s no time to waste it”
February 27th, 2008
’cause i thought i was the only one,
the only one to know how to be cool…
guess i was wrong.
but one day, i hope i can be better than everyone.
guess i’m still wrong.
.
i don’t know why i still think this way…
i wanted to say more, but it seems that i’ve calm down.
i need to distract,
stop thinking already.
i just need to sleep.
December 19th, 2007
i can’t sleep
i can’t scream
.go.to.sleep.already,folish.child.
…i can’t?
September 05, 2007
[they never meant to be together, so neither do i]
when the obvious becomes the nightmare
and the imagination the least likely
when the world stops
and there’s nothing more to thing about
no, the world has never stopped.
and the obvious was never possible either
nostalgias are my last joy.
surely I will not shine
[listening kagayaki from candidate for goddess OST]
~~~
I’m not exactly sad, I’m just thinking: ‘were the hell that creative me have gone?’.
Maybe she’s still here.
With love,
~Vanny
In the search of a measure tape…
…I found this old paper where I had written the following content:
‘It doesn’t matter if it has an end, it always has a beginning. What really matters is not the end of the road, but the road itself, as it never ends. The point of arrival doesn’t exist, just the exit point. [I want the infinity]’
Now I have no idea if I heard this somewhere or if it was I that thought about that, usually when I write things that I heard I put some quotation marks, but this has none.
Also, there was another paper with this one that says following:
‘I wanna hear about me,
Don’t wanna hear about anybody else,
Don’t wanna hear about what I should’ve done.
I want to see the only true me.’
Again, I can’t identify if it was a music I was listening to or if I made-up. But this last one I’m more to the side that I made-up, firstly because it has no musicality, secondly because if I ever write some lyrics it means that I know the music pretty well, meaning I would instantly recognize the song. (Also I tried to google the lyrics and I found none music.)
Yesterday, at college, we had a debate about beauty and the fashion industry. The subject affects me so much that I had to calm myself for long minutes in the bathroom and I also had trouble sleeping. I guess I know so much how beauty has its privileges that I don’t want to live if I’m not that pretty.
Twisted, isn’t it? To be that shallow, to want that much such a frivolous thing like ‘beauty’. I feel angry with myself, but I cannot help to still want it. Every girl wants to be pretty, don’t they?
Sigh.
Birthday is coming, I’m getting older.
I’m scared.
PMS mode on,
~Vanny
